Meaningful Ideas Vivek Patel (@meaningfulideas)

Every time you choose to collaborate with your kids instead of control them, you are changing the world!

In this video I tell the story of when I talked with a group of youth about how adults don't treat them as equals. I told them the idea that I had authority because I was an adult was false. It's a lie adults tell you to keep you in control. In truth you are totally free to do anything you want. You are Powerful and Free! We talked about punishment and consequences, yelling, choices, authority and more. It was like a light bulb being turned on. They'd never heard an adult claim so strongly that they were equally valid humans with equal power and autonomy. It actually seemed impossible to them, except I believed it so strongly that they couldn't help but see it. I actually made a video with these kids and I'm going to share it in the next couple of days. Please check out the video and let me know what you think. @Rythea Lee @Parenting with Désirée @thealesandrarodriguez @caratedstonetherapy

I had the Good Fortune to have lunch with my longtime friend, colleague and dedicated Non-Coercive Collaborative Parent Desiree Ferrari! And we went to a park and made a video together! We talk about why it's challenging for so many people to embrace the idea of Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting and let go of controlling their kids. It was a wonderful conversation and we are excited to share it with you. @Parenting with Désirée @Rythea Lee @caratedstonetherapy @thealesandrarodriguez

Coercive control versus Collaborative Co-Exploration! Or Be nicer to your kids! Or Create a collaborative harmonious family community of equals, rather than an authoritative hierarchical power structure in the home! Or Focus your parenting on nurturing children's relationship with themselves, and their relationship with you, as opposed to focusing on modifying and controlling behavior. (I LOVE this title!!)

Coercive control versus Collaborative Co-Exploration! Or Be nicer to your kids! Or Create a collaborative harmonious family community of equals, rather than an authoritative hierarchical power structure in the home! Or Focus your parenting on nurturing children's relationship with themselves, and their relationship with you, as opposed to focusing on modifying and controlling behavior. (I LOVE this title!!)

Put your toys away or else I will throw them into the garbage! This is the advice I recently saw from a psychologist with almost a million followers on Instagram on how to get your kids to pick up their toys. It's distressing to me that so many people are still teaching such a harsh, disconnecting, power over, and damaging way of working with children! Children need guidance, yes. But let us guide them in a way that is respectful, kind, compassionate, and full of understanding. Let us guide them in a way that feels good to their nervous system, that encourages them to trust us, and let's them know we are there safest place. Let us guide them in a way so that our wisdom is something they can truly lean on, that they seek out, because they know it makes their life better. Let's move beyond all methods that cause children to experience fear, control, coercion, and discomfort. (Yes even intentionally imposed discomfort is problematic.) In Non-Coercive Collaborative Parenting we choose to guide our children without any of the authoritative hierarchical power-based methods. We honor their consent and autonomy, and we deeply respect their humanity. It shouldn't be so radical, but it still is! Will you join us on this radical journey? @Rythea Lee @caratedstonetherapy @Parenting with Désirée @thealesandrarodriguez

What about when kids are being violent? This is a common and reasonable question that I often get when I talk about not controlling kids, not giving them limits, not setting boundaries, not having rules etc. As with everything in Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting it's nuanced and complex. I explained in some detail in this video. @Rythea Lee @thealesandrarodriguez @Parenting with Désirée @caratedstonetherapy

I have been a feminist since 1990. Anti-misogynist, Anti-patriarchy.    A group of wise and kind early '90s feminists spent 10 days working with me to open my eyes to the reality that they lived with every day.     They wanted me to wake up to the fact that I had been programmed to see them as less than human.     At first I refused to believe it, because I'm a good guy, I'm a nice guy, I'm a good guy!     But at some point during the 10 days we were together, the veil lifted and I saw it clearly.     It hit me as they say, like a ton of bricks. This started a lifelong journey of deconstruction, and a passion for social justice.    That moment of transformation makes the misogyny and patriarchy in the world so clear to me. When men make the typical anti-woman comments on social media, I can feel the deep violence underneath it. The contempt, the hatred, the dehumanization.     These are the men that will swear up and down that there is no such thing as toxic masculinity as they ooze it from every pore of their being.     This is why when I hear horrific accounts of sexual violence like the Cornell 7, I am thoroughly disgusted and appalled, but not a little bit surprised.    Young males are taught from the earliest age to dehumanize and demonize women and anything that is feminine. And when you dehumanize someone it becomes easy to commit atrocities against them.     This message and mindset is in almost all the media, all of our systems, and we inherit it through our family dynamics.     It is only with conscious effort, a consistent nurturing of respect for girls and women, (and all of humanity because the supremacy mindset has many tentacles) that we can defend against this constant bombardment!     We must help our young boys to stay in touch with their humanity and to care deeply about it in others.     To care so deeply that they are willing to put themselves on the line to speak out and stand up against the oppression and violence women and girls experience on a daily basis.    This is one of the reasons Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting places such a high value on honoring the consent and autonomy of our children. We want to model this from the earliest age so it goes deep into their nervous systems, into their value systems, into their consciousness, and into their understanding of relationships.    The dehumanization of girls and women goes so deep. We saw it with #metoo, we saw it with the bear, we saw it when trum p was elected, twice! Do you remember that after the second time he was elected there was a trend of conservative men and teens saying "Your body, my choice"? I haven't forgotten.    As parents, or anyone interacting with kids, let us focus our attention on nurturing a mindset that will make it abhorrent to them to treat others like this.    And as men we must not be silent about these things. Do you speak up in person to your friends? Your family? Your coworkers? To strangers? It can be a terrifying thing to do, but what else is courage for?     It is the only way forward.

Loving Limits are NOT actually loving! Loving limits is where the parent sets a limit on the kid that the kid doesn't agree with. Then when the child cries , screams, resists and complains, the parent says: "I understand it's hard not to get what you want. Your feelings are normal and natural." But it's the parent who caused the pain in the first place. Avoidable pain. This is why my one-liner is: "You cannot be the Perpetrator and the Empathizer at the same time." The child knows very well that the person with all the power in the relationship is controlling them against their will. They are not crying because they didn't get the cookie, they are crying because they are being oppressed. When this happens the parent becomes the adversary and not the trusted guide. This is why in Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting we do not impose our will and our children, but instead we choose to work with them. We walk alongside them and learn about life together. We do not use our power to control them. This preserves the relationship between parent and child, and deepens the child's relationship with themselves. @Rythea Lee @thealesandrarodriguez @Parenting with Désirée @caratedstonetherapy

Kids are so much deeper than we give them credit for. In this video I tell a story of how I showed a group of 30 elementary school kids my meme that says: "You do not have to Change Anything to be Worthy of Infinite Love." Every single one of them had a deep reaction to it. They felt the truth of it and it affected them profoundly. I think a lot of people wouldn't believe that someone in grade four would have such a deep response to a saying like that, and it shows how we don't give children enough credit. It is a good practice to continually expand our perception of our kids! See their depth and potential! @thealesandrarodriguez @Rythea Lee @caratedstonetherapy @Parenting with Désirée

Teaching Values from the Inside Out ❤️ When we control and modify our children's behavior hoping to teach them good values, we often end up teaching them the opposite. In fact anytime we control our children it works against us. For example if you want your kid to have good sleep habits so you make them go to sleep, even if they don't want to, they end up with a negative association to sleep. Sleep becomes connected to power, autonomy, lack of control, and an adversarial relationship. This is the outside in approach. If we take the Inside Out approach instead, we explore the impact of sleep, we study how our body works, how our mind works, and we learn the discernment of when it makes sense to get a good night's sleep, and when it might be okay to stay up late. We also focus on learning to love and care for ourselves so that we want the best for ourselves. This is where the root of behavior comes from. The cause is within, the effect is the behavior. In Non-Coercive Collaborative Parenting we focus on working from cause to effect. Hammering away at the effect hoping to affect the cause is much less effective!! (I love that sentence😀) I went live recently discussing this in depth. Have a listen and let me know what you think.

Don't laugh at children! Take them seriously.

Setting Boundaries Joyfully and Collaboratively! When I'm hanging out with kids and my back gets sore, I can't play with them in the same physically active way that they want to. So at that point it makes sense to set a reasonable boundary based on my capacity. However it's important to me that the kid feels I am deeply attentive to their needs. I'm not pushing them away or rejecting them in any way. I want to include their needs as much as mine. And when I do this kids respond in kind! They also want to include my needs as well as theirs. This is not something you cannot achieve through lectures. This mindset doesn't come from setting a boundary that the kid feels bad about, and then empathizing with their feelings. You know, the traditional kind and firm. A relational approach to boundaries is very different from how we hear boundaries discussed in most spaces. Because when I take a relational approach, I care about your experience as much as mine while I'm setting the boundary. I tell the story in this video of how I do this with a 4-year-old that I was hanging out with recently. How we collaborated together to meet each other's needs in play. @Rythea Lee @caratedstonetherapy @thealesandrarodriguez @Parenting with Désirée

Disguising a NO as a YES! This is a story of how I said no to a kid, but they enjoyed the experience and we felt closer because of it. One of my one-liners is In a world full of NO, home should be a Haven of yes. Even when we feel we have to say no to a kid, we can still make it feel like a yes. Check out the story in the video and let me know what you think. @Rythea Lee @caratedstonetherapy @thealesandrarodriguez @Parenting with Désirée

Have you forgotten what it's like to be a child? The constant control. The indignity. The dehumanization. Constantly being told no. The lack of autonomy. I fear all too many adults have forgotten what it's like and they repeat the cycle. Just look at any comment section on any video advocating for treating children with respect and honoring their freedom of choice. You will see hundreds of adults claiming that children need to be controlled, and even treated violently for their own good. This is not the way. For those of us who do remember clearly what it was like to be a child, it feels abhorrent to control our kids. We want to set them free! We want to empower them! And we want to be the safest people in their lives! This is what Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting is all about. And why it is so radical and so deep! @Rythea Lee @caratedstonetherapy @thealesandrarodriguez @Parenting with Désirée

I WILL NOT! Radical Parenting Part 10 I Will Not repeat the errors of my predecessors! I was being spanked by my father when I was just 3 years old. I can still see the scene so clearly in my mind. I was on the landing on the way to the basement. I had done something that 3-year-olds do, I have no idea what it was now, but the message was clear; What I did was wrong, I was bad, I needed to be punished. And yet something in me rebelled against this idea. I could see the indignity in it. I could see the dehumanization in it. I knew that humans did not deserve to be treated this way. At that moment, at just 3 years old, in the midst of that pain, these words came to me; "One day I'm going to be a Dad, and I'm going to do it differently." That phrase stayed with me all throughout my life. It was the inspiration for so many of my radical parenting choices. When I was 13 I made a commitment to myself, that when I grew up I wouldn't treat 13 year olds the way adults treated me and my peers. I decided I never wanted to forget what it felt like to be 13. I scrunched up my fists, squeezed my eyes shut, and I screamed out "I'm THIRTEEN I'm THIRTEEN I'm THIRTEEN!" This is why when I'm with kids I don't place myself above them. I just can't do it. I know 90% of society tells me I should, but I just can't do it. I remember too clearly. And the kids feel it from me too. This is why even in the most chaotic of environments, the kids always trust and follow me. They trust my guidance. We find an easy flow because they don't feel the need to protect themselves, in the way that they do for the majority of adults in their lives. This is why in Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting we place such a high emphasis on respecting the Humanity of our children. Even when it makes life highly inconvenient. Because we perceive clearly the strong foundation of self-love, self-respect, and self-knowledge, that we are nourishing with this choice.

Boundaries Should Feel Good to our Children Radical Parenting Part 9 When people talk about setting boundaries with children they usually mean controlling children in some way. Then you have the other group of people who say "boundaries are not what we do to someone else, they what we choose to do ourselves in response to what's going on." But in neither of these cases are we deeply thinking about the impact on the child. In Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting we still work with boundaries, but we make sure that when we do so they feel good to our children. They feel safe and nourishing, they participate willingly, and they feel good about the whole experience. Setting a boundary that they don't like, or holding a boundary in a way that they don't like, and then empathizing with their feelings, this does not make it better! Instead let us strive to work with our kids in a way that helps them feel loved and nourished. Not controlled. Controlling kids is a lot easier, at least on the surface. But the Cascade of negative effects is profound. Just not worth it. Too high a price to pay! Can you shift how you work with boundaries, letting go of all methods that your kids resist? Can you seek out ways that your kids participate in enthusiastically and willingly?

SMABO - Small Moments Affect Big Ones SMABO is one of my favorite acronyms. It stands for "Small Moments Affect Big Ones". When I say SMABO, it reminds me to slow down and pay attention to this moment. No matter what's happening, there is potential for connection and compassion in this moment. If I can give something special to this small moment, it will add up. Small Moments Affect Big Ones The foundation of a deeply trusting relationship is built through countless micro-moments. Not always the big events. Although those have a significant effect as well. However in a long-term relationship, especially such a close one as parent and child, it is those small moments that add up to giving us a clear picture of who the other person is to us. How safe are we with them? How vulnerable can we be with them? Even when we do make a mistake, act out of alignment, we have so many opportunities to make up for it. That's the beauty of a conscious relationship. Building conscious layers of respect, connection, deep listening, joyous connection etc. Creates a strong foundation. When we do come upon a big moment, big feelings, a big obstacle, a big challenge, we will have built a foundation through our conscious relating that will carry us through it. This is why SMABO is so important. Small Moments Affect Big Ones How can you implement this idea in your parenting? Please check out my FREE COURSE "Guiding Without Controlling". meaningfulideas dot c0m . . . #NonCoerciveCollaborativeParenting #PeacefulParenting #GentleParenting #RespectfulParenting #ConsciousParenting

The Toilet Paper Disaster! Radical Parenting part 7 I was Screaming, Yelling, Mind Exploding with Disproportionate Anger 🤯 This is what happened to me when my 1-year-old took all the toilet paper off the roll and covered the bathroom with it. I had stepped out for just a minute and came back in to toilet paper everywhere. I know it shouldn't matter, I know it's just toilet paper, I know she's just a kid, I know it's developmentally appropriate, and still, I lost my $h!t! That was the day it really hit me, how much work I would need to do in order to parent in the way I wanted to. I didn't want to yell at my kid, I didn't want to control them. I wanted to be their safe space. But the fireworks going off in my brain, and in my nervous system, were going to be a serious obstacle to that. So I decided I needed to take it seriously. All of us probably have our own version of the Toilet Paper Disaster. We come into this parenting adventure with all sorts of stuff from our past. There is no way for that not to leak out on our kids. All we can do is keep working on it, so that we minimize it a little more everyday. There's no shortcut, it's a lifelong journey of healing, digging, and loving. I know that's not much of a selling point. I should be telling you that I can solve all of your parenting problems in six easy lessons, with these five tips, that you can do in 8 weeks! LOL! The Truth is, Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting, is a lot of hard work for many years. The beautiful thing is, the results are so much deeper than the traditional, coercive, authoritative, parenting mindset.

Resist the Instinct to Control Your Children! Radical Parenting Part 6 My wife and I were taking a stroll through the Botanical gardens today, and I heard that familiar tone... "Walk properly! Don't touch that! I didn't bring you here to play in the park! BEHAVE!" I looked over and saw the parent yelling at their kid, and the kid looked so defeated. I know the mom didn't know better, I know that's just normal parenting, but it still breaks my heart. This is why we do the work of cycle breaking. This is why we do the hard work of healing ourselves so that we don't pass on those old patterns to our kids. Check out the video where I tell the story live at the botanical gardens!

Prison with a Gentle Voice! A lot of gentle and authoritative parenting approaches mirror the authoritarian approaches, but done with more of a gentle voice. Every time we deny our children their autonomy, when we violate their consent, when we take away their choice, and we use our power to control them, however gently we do it it is still coercive and violent. Gentle control is still control, gentle authoritarianism is still authoritarianism. This is why Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting enthusiastically rejects the authoritative hierarchical parenting paradigm. It's why we choose to treat our kids like equals! It's why we put so much effort into honoring our children's autonomy and consent. This way we build a deeply close and trusting relationship with them, because they know they can rely on us not to use power and control when things get challenging. They know that we will put all our efforts into finding another way. And there's always another way. Can you be really honest and look at your parenting to see where you might be relating to your kids as if they are in prison with a gentle voice? And then try and transform that into something more connecting and collaborating?

Don't Push Me! Radical Parenting part 3 I saw this Dad push his 6 year old a little bit to get him moving. The kid got so upset, his whole body reacted, and he turned around furious and yelled at his dad... DON'T PUSH ME! The Dad immediately got defensive and said, "Well why are you standing still?" LoL The moment highlighted for me how easy it is for adults to treat kids in dehumanizing ways. Not always big huge macro ways, but little micro moments. These things add up. Layers and layers are built over the years. They affect the child's relationship with the parent, as well as the child's relationship with themselves. This is why in Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting we put such a high value on treating children with profound respect for their humanity! I tell the story and go into more detail about this in the video.

Radical Parenting part 4 The Hierarchy Of Human Worth! The seeds of oppression are planted early in life when we treat kids as if they are on the lower rung of a hierarchy. They learn soon that some people's needs, consent, autonomy, and humanity matter more than others. This is why Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting is radically non-hierarchical. We want to raise our kids in an environment where they know their humanity is valued equally. This way they do not see anyone as above them, nor below them. I believe this is one of the fundamental ingredients necessary for creating a new world. Consider how you can dismantle some of the hierarchy in your own home. What can you shift today?

Radical Parenting Part 2! Scream as loud as you can! A parent once came to me asking how they could help their 5 year old stop screaming every time they were putting the baby to sleep! They had tried everything that they could, consequences, lectures, explanations, bribes, even yelling at the kid! I told them, instead of trying to get the kid to stop, celebrate the screaming and see what happens! I tell the story of this incident in the video!

Radical Parenting Part 1 You don't have to brush your teeth! In Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting we always honor and celebrate our children's freedom of choice. Including the choice not to brush their teeth. When we push back against their choice, they end up having to push harder and power struggles ensue. When they know that we honor their choice, we become trustable and we can collaborate and problem solve together. In this video I tell a story of how I helped a parent get their two year old to embrace brushing their teeth when they had been resisting violently for a long time!

"That's Interesting, Tell Me More?" These five words contain magic in them. They help kids feel we are interested in their reality. One of my old one liners is "If we are willing to visit our kids' universe, they will be more willing to visit ours." Instead of telling our kids they're wrong, instead of judging, correcting, and even instead of helping, asking this basic question can be so much more helpful. That's Interesting, Tell Me More? Of course you can change the words around, use different words, the idea is to show interest, to have genuine curiosity, to be willing to visit their universe. That's Interesting, Tell Me More?

Let your kids know that no matter what they do you will not get mad at them. Let them know that if you do get mad at them it's not their fault, it's because of your own past and triggers, and you will always apologize and make things right. This is how you become a safe and wise guide, and they learn to trust you and your wisdom. In this video I tell a story of how I did this with my niece, and how it completely shifted her choices!

Parent like a Sunflower🌻 Sunflowers always turn towards the Sun. In Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting we strive to always turn towards Love, Compassion, Understanding, and Collaboration! Instead of reacting to behavior, we work with the needs and feelings and other causes underneath the surface. Even when our kids are rude or acting out, we still don't project wrongness onto them. Kindness is the most direct route to real change. This is why I say, "Love is More Logical, Kindness is More Practical."

Conscious, Kind, and Compassionate Communication is foundational to creating a safe environment for our kids. We want to communicate with them in such a way that they have no fear in sharing their struggles and joys with us. We want them to turn towards us not away. In this video I talk about how communication creates connection.

We can't protect kids from trauma, but we can choose not to be the source of their trauma! This is why Non-Coercive, Collaborative Parenting rejects every authoritative, pain-based, shame-based, control-based, fear-based approach to working with kids!